04 September 2008
2008 Elections
One time I farted so hard John McCain chose me to be his Vice Presidential running mate.
31 August 2008
27 August 2008
24 August 2008
Commerce
One time I farted so hard I shot my wallet through a Macy's store window, destroying three mannequins and a make-up counter clerk.
20 August 2008
Through Rain, Sleet or Snow
One time I farted so hard I raised the dead and they terrorized my town for weeks until most of them got jobs at the post office.
17 August 2008
14 August 2008
Most Important Meal of the Day
One time I farted so hard it demulsified the milk in my cereal. The lipids coalesced on my Fruit Loops and didn't taste very good. Until I deep fried them, that is.
12 August 2008
05 August 2008
Auto Storage
One time I farted so hard I didn't need to use the garage door opener before I pulled my car out of the garage.
31 July 2008
Scuba
One time I farted so hard my scuba suit inflated, I rose into the air and floated on the jet stream, eventually landing on a remote island in the Pacific where I survived for years on a diet of wild boar and coconut milk until one day, inexplicably, I farted so hard that I wound up back home.
30 July 2008
Postal Service
One time I farted so hard it forwarded four weeks of my mail to Ginny Dresden of Nampa, Idaho.
24 July 2008
Planetary Dynamics
One time I farted so hard I stopped the earth's rotation and started it spinning in the opposite direction. Millions of Australians got confused when their toilet flushes started swirling in a clockwise fashion.
23 July 2008
Leisure
One time I farted so hard my swimming pool evaporated. I'm not talking about just the water in the pool, either.
22 July 2008
Bowling
One time I farted so hard my bowling ball shot back down the ball return and got me another 7 - 10 split.
19 July 2008
SMCRA
One time I farted so hard I was subject to the Surface Mining Control and Reclamation Act of 1977.
17 July 2008
16 July 2008
12 July 2008
11 July 2008
Home Decor
One time I farted so hard the banister I was sliding down got cauterized to my ass. Now people call me cauterized-banister-ass.
10 July 2008
Orbit
One time I farted so hard I blew my underpants into a permanent orbit around the earth. On clear nights in the Midwest, you can see them pass by about 3 degrees below Ursa Major just after dark.
Public Transportation Part 2
One time when I was riding the "El" to work, I farted so hard the train derailed.
09 July 2008
Lunch Time
One time I farted so hard my crunchy peanut butter sandwich became a creamy peanut butter sandwich.
08 July 2008
07 July 2008
06 July 2008
05 July 2008
Art
One time I farted so hard I stained the wall, which was kindly reviewed by New York magazine critic Jerry Saltz as a "seminal piece of Americana."
03 July 2008
Global warming
One time I farted so hard I shifted the earth's orbit slightly closer to the sun, hence the melting polar ice caps.
July 4th
One time I farted so hard they canceled the 4th of July fireworks because they couldn't compete with my fart.
Public Transportation
One time I farted so hard all of the bus routes in the city got re-routed to the alley behind the old kerosene factory.
01 July 2008
Lord of the Rings
One time I farted so hard I destroyed the One ring to rule them all - and countless innocent Hobbits.
30 June 2008
28 June 2008
27 June 2008
Government
One time I farted so hard that an amendment was passed by Congress and ratified by the states to make it unconstitutional for me to fart again.
Office Equipment
One time I farted so hard the force shredded my ass cheeks, which was fortuitous since I had some confidential information for work tattooed there.
WMDs
One time I farted so hard the United Nations sent inspectors to my house to search for weapons of mass destruction.
26 June 2008
Happy Holidays
When I was a wee one, I farted so hard while suckling that it shot my wet nurse's other nipple across the room where it flipped around in flight and stuck to the picture window like a suction cup. So we hung a candy cane on it. It was the best Christmas ever!
25 June 2008
The Wright Brothers
One time, I farted so hard my ear lobes flapped so much I took flight and crashed into a statue of Merle Haggard.
20 May 2008
25 March 2008
20 March 2008
15 March 2008
14 March 2008
13 March 2008
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